Fresh air

On Saturday, the Dalai Lama’s Facebook posted:

Feelings of anger and hatred arise from a mind that is troubled by dissatisfaction and discontent. So you can prepare to deal with such occasions by constantly working to build inner contentment and by cultivating kindness and compassion. This brings about a certain calmness of mind that can help prevent anger from arising in the first place.

In the midst of conflicting ideas and realities, alienation is a common theme. My latest run-in relates to a long-distance relationship. These are never easy, and at some point or another, one of the partners moves to where the other one lives. The cultural styles of thought are so powerful I’m even told that, if the couple is leaving overseas for over one year, then the relationship runs even greater risks of disintegrating.

Perceiving that in my country the labour market for what I am specializing in is very restricted, I was set to move over to where my companion lives. Visiting her resulted in a much cruder picture than I expected: even less employment opportunities, and with them, more insecurities relating to our relationship. Dissatisfaction and discontent were only the tip of the iceberg of what I was experience: I wanted to succeed – no matter what. I did not want to loose – definitely not my companion, and neither face or stagnation.

In retrospection it has to be said that the anger I was feeling at the situation was legitimate – if analysed under a very limiting lens. For in placing too much importance on the ego, I was removing myself from the possibility of seeing a possibly wider picture. To love physical proximity helps – but it is not necessary needed. The story of a husband whose job takes him to missions from which he might never return comes to mind. The soldier married his long-standing companion, who is psychologically impaired, in order for her to have a secure place where to live should he die on the frontlines. They rarely have the occasion to see one another – but this does not stop them from showing their mutual care.

Thus in life, and in love, holding still while balancing our inner peace is one of the greatest accomplishments we can ever hope for. I am still with my partner. Yet I learnt what she, in her wisdom, has told me times before: we do not need to think like that anymore. It would not be a bad idea, then, to open the door – ready not just to peek through, but especially to go beyond our accustomed thinking processes.

 

What’s the catch?

Familiar situation: a generous offer, or an unexpected (‘too-good-to-be-true’) situation knocks on the door. Perhaps it comes even at a time when a good pick-me-up is needed.

And we become suspicious.

Thinking that there will be a ‘catch’, a payment of some sort in return for a generous favour, often times we either refuse it, or otherwise spend a considerable amount of time ‘weighing the pros and cons’. In the meanwhile, even if we accept, the object of our attention no longer has the initial appeal.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

The real issue is not the offer, regardless of quality or quantity. The real cause for concern is our perception: in whatever we do, there is always a giving and a taking. It’s inevitable. As ordinary human beings, we are concerned about the self. It’s a survival tool, without it we would simply wither away, seeing no reason for our existence. The issue at heart is that we center ourselves in a negative space: life being a give-and-take, the assumed impression is that the ratio between being taken from vis-a-vis being given to us is low.

A call for a fresher perspective is needed: all our actions will lead to some loss. When we breathe, we are sustaining ourselves – but we are also allowing old age to creep onto us. Paramount to us is then to understand that life, and us all in it, are tied in circles of reciprocities and exchange. It is the way we grow and mature as individuals within a community. There is no other way.